Once upon a time, aboard the Starship Voyager, Chakotay was bored. This was not uncommon, after all he never had anything to do. He was supposed to be Janeway's first officer, except she never spoke to him. Well she did sometimes.
"Chakotay! Stop hanging around like a lost sheep. Go to your quarters immediately!"

He decided that would be a good idea. Once he had decided to go to her quarters instead, but she banned the replicators from supplying his hair gel, so he always did as he was told. Anyway, his quarters were far more interesting, as all Janeway had in her's were copies of gardening books and magazines full of pink dresses.

So he went off to his quarters. And there he found Paris. Before anyone starts getting the wrong idea, Paris had also been banished to his own quarters, but he had got bored, due to the fact his quarters had magazines full of pink dresses too.

Chakotay was more than a little surprised. "Why hello Paris. What are you doing here?"
"Pink dress problem. Long story. Anyway, I've found something interesting in here. It's a story..."
"Get your hands off my book..." yelled Chakotay, but Paris had already read the beginning.
"This is just the best place ever," said Paris, still reading. "We should go here..."
"NO!" said Chakotay, far too loudly. "We must not. I forbid it. If we do, some terrible things will happen. You don't know the story..."
"But I want to. Let me read..."

But Chakotay had already snatched the book away. As he did so, the book flew through the air. Right out of the door in fact. Chakoray raced after it (and got some odd looks - it is not normal to chase a flying book you know) but he couldn't catch it. Paris stood there with his mouth open in disbelief. He suceeded in catching a fly. The book continued flying through the air and stopped in the transporter. Chakotay followed it, as did Paris (who was no longer rooted to the spot) and Janeway, who wanted to know why her first officer had disobeyed her and left his room.

Then, something very strange happened. The book, Chakotay, Janeway and Paris were all transported somewhere very strange. The sign said, 'Uckfield 8 Miles'.
"My God!" said Janeway, and then realised she'd insulted Q. "It's a railway! We're at Lewes!! What the hell are we doing here?"
"Oooops," said Q. "Wrong one!" And they were transported again.

They were also at a station but this one was different. It had shiny platforms and glitter on the walls. There was a silver track which extended for miles and hundreds of trains and coaches all waiting at the station (yes - that is a famous line from a song is it not).
"Where are we?" asked Paris.
"We're in the book," said Chakotay.
"Book? Oh the flying book. What is it? Where are we?"
"We're at the station. The station Pearl was waiting at. Didn't you get to He Whistled At Me?"
Paris was Confused. Capital C style. "Obviously not."
"Why, who are you?" said a strange voice.
"Us?" said Paris, talking to the sky (as that is where the voice was from). "We are from the Starship Voyager. Where are you from?"
"Let's not go into that. Well, we have a slight problem. You see, we are shortly to put on a production. But three main characters are missing. Q decided he'd fallen in love with Pearl and abducted her. Rusty and Electra decided they'd also fallen in love - with each other - so off they went too! So we can't put on a production minus three main characters! But you three seem perfect. Janeway - you would be the perfect Pearl (nothing to do with the fickle bit or the the slapper like nature of the character of course). Chakotay. You are Rusty. And Paris - well, you are the best Electra we could ever have (not the AC/DC bit, of course not). So that is sorted. Can you rollerskate?"
"Of course we can rollerskate!" snapped Janeway. "What kind of Starship Captain doesn't teach her crew to rollerskate?"
"Okay okay. Now is time to learn lines. You have about one hour. Now off you go!"
"God he's a bit stressy," said Paris. "Who's he?"
"It's Control. God you know nothing. Anyway, time to learn lines!"

Paris was confused. He couldn't rollerskate at all. When the crew had been having rollerskating lessons, he had been practising his weightlifting (remember that?). And quite apart from that, his singing was worse than his rollerskating. So bad, in fact, that after 10 minutes or rehearsals Janeway banished him to his quarters again, except that they were nowhere to be seen.
"Woo Woooooooooooooooo, Wooo Woo, what's that line again?" wailed Paris.
"That's my line," said Chakotay. "And it's 'Woo Woo, Woo Woo, nobody can do it like a Steam Train..."
"So what's my line then?"
"AC/DC, it's okay be me, I can switch and change my frequency."
"Oh yeah. How could I forget?"

"I'm not saying THAT!" yelled Janeway after reading the lyrics to He Whistled At Me. "And if I do I'm not saying them about HIM!" and she pointed at Chakotay, who was racing around a silver track wearing pink glittery rollerskates, whilst wailing "I am the Starlight..."
"Shut it everybody. This is a message from Control. The production is in ten minutes."
"But you said it was over an hour away!" wailed Janeway, who hadn't done her hair so it was still in that strange style where the front puffs up.
"Yes, but we forgot to put the clocks forward didn't we. So we've got an audience of four million waiting outside. So if you don't do your hair now, Janeway, you'll scare them all off, now go on the lot of you. And see you in 10 minutes."
"Eeeeeek!" yelled Chakotay at the top of his voice, nearly scaring the audience off. "I haven't got an hair gel! Where's the replicator? I can't go on stage like this! I look too old! How can I do my Scott from Five look if I haven't got any hair gel? I want 14 spikes on top of my head! I want the whole female section of the audience to think I'm gorgeous! How can I do that without hair gel?"
"Never mind," said Control. "I have some spare gel you can borrow."
"What have you got hair gel for? You live in the sky!"
"Yes, I know but it's windier in the sky so your hair goes everywhere. I've got some hairspray as well if you want."

So the hair gel problem was solved. And complete with very strange outfits, everyone entered the stage.

However, due to lack of rehearsal time (and the fact that I don't know the plot) the order of the play was more than a little muddled. Janeway had to be physically restrained from singing Only He at the beginning. Chakotay tried to do a Lap of Honour when the race hadn't even started. And Paris. Well he just marched around singing, "Woo Woo, Woo Woo, nobody can do it like an AC/DC Electric Train!"

At this point Anna, cunning disguised as Buffy (no - she's not a slapper in this production, before Anna calls me a Prawn Moose) entered the stage.
"Would you either sing that line correctly or shut up!!"
Paris chose to shut up and Buffy went back to Greaseball (I'll leave you to decide who plays Greaseball...).

So the production continued. Despite the fact that the third race came before the first, and The Starlight bloke introduced himself during Belle The Sleeping Car, everything went quite well. Except when Odo appeared and changed into the 'wrong kind of snow' delaying the last race until the snow melted and Odo disappeared. During which time, Amy, cunningly disguised as Dinah, decided to take a break from spiking guests' drinks with dodgy substances and entertained the crowd with a fantastic version of the entire Queen's Greatest Hits album.

So finally the last race took place. It got to the point where Rusty had to race with Buffy, and Amy, incredibly jealous, spent the next ten minutes firing evils at Anna. This made things very difficult, especially when a full scale battle occurred on the stage. Instead of Electra and Greaseball crashing into each other, Buffy and Dinah got into such a huge argument over who got to race with Rusty, they both fell into the orchestra pit. That left only Pearl to race with Rusty.

But where was Pearl?

Chakotay, wise and intelligent as he is, started to call Pearl, but cunningly turned it into a song. This didn't work, and Chakotay looked very stupid. And any female in the audience who fancied him went off him very quickly.

Things were getting so drastic Control woke up and made a Cast Announcement (like a staff announcement in supermarkets but different). This didn't work.

And then Pearl was found. With Electra. As Chakotay was still wise and intelligent (even if he was no longer gorgeous) he worked out that this meant that Janeway and Paris were together. He immediately turned green (a green steam train? What?) and burst into a song of some sort, much to the annoyance of the audience.

Janeway felt guilty, and decided to declare her undying love for Chakotay (even if she was lying) by singing Only He (at the right moment this time). And as for Paris - "Woo Woo, Woo Woo, I Am Gonna Kill That Stupid Steam Train..."

And everybody lived happily ever after. Well sort of. Buffy and Dinah were still arguing over Rusty when they realised he's run off with Pearl. By the time they'd scrambled out of the orchestra pit (where they'd caused £millions in damage) they realised there was only Greaseball and Electra left. They couldn't decide who was worse, and got into another argument about that. Chakotay and Janeway were transported back to the Starship Voyager singing Only You, and Janeway promised never to banish Chakotay to his quarters again. And as for Control, well his hair gel was never returned, and he had to put up with Bad Hair Days for the rest of eternity.