Once upon a time, there lived a little boy who owned a train set. One day, his mother was very cross with him, and told him to go to sleep immediately. However he was a very naughty little boy, so he didn't go to sleep, he stayed awake and played with his train set. That was when something very strange happened.

Suddenly all the trains came to life (it is unknown how this happened, strange chemical imbalances have recently been blamed). This shocked the little boy so much, he promptly fainted, and conveniently didn't wake up until the end of the musical. Anyway, there were a whole load of alive trains and coaches in one tiny room, so they were all transported to a railway, fortunately untouched by Dr Beeching (unlike my lovely Lewes-Uckfield line). This railway had a lovely station, it was clean and pigeon-free and had blue glitter on the platforms. I would say it was the perfect station, but not all the trains turned up on time (due to the fact that they were so preoccupied with their love lives they forgot entirely about passengers).

Anyway, these trains were alive, so naturally they were happy. And so they decided to sing and dance (as well as is possible on rollerskates) and generally have a good time. That's where Starlight Express comes in. Someone (Control I think) decided it would be a good idea to have all the trains from all over the world or something (well a selected few) to gather on one railway and have a race. So they did. Well actually they had several races.

This is where I forget the plot entirely. So if I get things completely in the wrong order, I'm very sorry.

Anyway, all the trains and coaches decided to introduce themselves, even though they all knew each other anyway.

There was Pearl, so indecisive she was worse than Sarah and her degree crisis. And she was a tart (Pearl, that is). There was Dinah, who enjoyed poisoning passengers, and Buffy, who willingly assisted in this practice, when she wasn't being even more of a tart than Pearl. There was Ashley, who was in major need of NRT after attempting to stop smoking, and Belle, who was competing with Buffy and Pearl for the Tart Of The Century title.

However there was a slight problem. Due to a major leakage of radioactive material from a nearby nuclear reactor, there were some very strange, unidentifiable chemicals present in the atmosphere around the station. These chemicals interfered with the functioning of testosterone, so, being male, all of the trains started to behave very strangely.

Electra had developed an interest in Aromatherapy. So instead of wailing "AC/DC it's okay by me," he sung "Citrus, Floral, Green, Spicy and Woody, there are five groups of essential oils." This thoroughly confused everyone. But not Greaseball, as he decided he didn't want to be a diesel train anymore. His conscience was getting the better of him and he decided to change to unleaded fuel to save the environment. However, his new 'Green' image didn't stop there. He divided his time between the track and the Amazon Rainforest, where he was united with Chico Mendes and the rubber tappers against the evil TRF-destroying cattle ranchers. Consequently, when the Greaseball gang forgot their words, they just wailed "Poverty is the enemy of the environment," very loudly.

Now if you thought that was strange, there was Rusty. Now if you thought he was a nice, kind, sensible steam train, who loved Pearl and would rescue her from anything (from Cello bows to AC/DC electric trains) you are very very sadly mistaken. He decided that being a nice black steam train was boring, and purchased numerous cans of paint from Focus Do It All (using Sarah's Boots discount card). He then proceeded to paint himself (a very diffcult task indeed) with a hideous psychedelic pattern (this was so successful that Pearl immediately rushed to Boots to purchase sunglasses for her and all the other coaches who were in danger of losing their eyesight).

Rusty's new image didn't stop there. He wanted to get his nose pierced, until he realised he didn't have a nose, then he wanted to dye his hair black, but that didn't work either. So being a little steam train he went along to Lewes Library and borrowed numerous books on Hippies in The Sixties. He wanted to get into the Guinness Book Of Records by being the first Hippy Steam Train, which was quite an achievement, and he also wanted to impress Pearl, who rather liked the idea of Electra and the Aromatherapy.

He began decorating the station with pictures of huge flowers (an artist's version of Horsham in Bloom) which got him into major trouble with Control.
"What the hell are you doing??" yelled Control from the sky.
"I'm brightening up the station for the passengers," replied Rusty. Control laughed and put his sunglasses on. "Remove it immediately."
"I detect anger in your voice. You must fill your mind (if you have one) with peace and positive energy. The mood of all around you will improve when energy flow is increased."
"Rusty. Shut up."

Rusty wasn't happy. His new image had made Pearl laugh and his attempts at art had got him into trouble of the highest order with Control. And to make it worse, he had just heard Pearl singing:
"Essential oils are not suitable for use when pregnant or epileptic . . ." to the tune of Only He.

Control had detected a sense of disorder. Electra was putting essential oils into the drinking water (by mistake) and Dinah was spiking it with a dodgy substance, causing a serious chemical reaction. Greaseball was renaming his coaches after Yanomami Indians, and Rusty was just being his new self.

"Everybody!" Control yelled. "Production in 5 minutes!"
"Whattttttt?" yelled everybody simultaneously.
"You are getting out of control. There are 400 million people waiting to see you. So on stage, now!"

Buffy raced round trying to do her hair, Dinah raced to Sainsbury's to get some fresh drinking water, the Greaseball coaches tried frantically to learn their new names, and as for Electra:
"You know Lavender is by far the most calming and relaxing of all the essential oils . ."

So the production began. The coaches had already introduced themselves. And so then, the first race kind of began. Due to the fact that everyone was kind of disorganised (and trying to avoid Rusty) the race went quite badly. The only coach that would race with Rusty was Belle (consequently she won the Tart Of The Century Title) and Electra and Greaseball argued over who raced with Buffy and Dinah. In the end, Buffy was still doing her hair, so Greaseball raced with Dinah and Electra threw himself into the orchestra pit.

Eventually some sort of order was restored. Electra scrambled out of the orchestra pit with the help of the pianist. But unfortunately, he had fallen straight onto the drum kit and broken all of the drums, so consequently, whenever drums were needed, the audience just had to stamp their feet.

Belle was actually quite offended at her Tart Of The Century title, so she drunk vast quantities of the Dodgy Substance-Essential Oil mixture, and wasn't seen again until morning. Greaseball and Dinah mysteriously vanished, which left Rusty all alone.

"Nobody loves me," he wailed loudly, while the audience still stamped their feet. "They all hate me. They all laugh at me. And I want to win the race and Pearl will fall in love with me and Electra can go drink his stupid aromatherapy oils."
"Rrrrruuuuuusssssssttttttttyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy," Came a voice from the sky (it was not Control).
"Huh?" Rusty stopped sulking.
"Rusty, you must believe in yourself."
"What?"
"You must believe in yourself. Then you can win the race. You have the power within you. Just believe You Are The Starlight."
"Starlight Express, Starlight Express . . . ." wailed Rusty.
"Very good," said Control. "I'm glad you remembered your lines."
"Are you real, Yes or No . . . . ." Rusty actually knew the words to this one.
"Oh look, " he continued. "There you are. You're the Starlight Express . . . . ."
he said and pointed at the sky (or the roof of the theatre).
"What???" yelled Control. "This is not in the script, Rusty. The whole point is that the Starlight Express doesn't exist, the whole point is that You Are The Starlight, it's within you !!"
"But I can see it . . . . ."
"You can't, it doesn't exist!"
"But it's there . . ."
"Where?"
"Right up there," Rusty pointed at the Sky again. "It's all white and shiny with three blue legs and silver wings and long yellow hair, and pink glittery ballet shoes . . . ."
"Rusty!" yelled Control. "Stop it!" The audience were now laughing, rather than stamping their feet. "There is nothing there!"
"There is though, I can see it . . ."

"Who owns this?" It was Pearl, in a major hissyfit. She was waving a bag with a dodgy substance in it (not one of Dinah's).
"What is that?" Control said in an evil voice, which was actually quite funny.
"It's not mine," said Electra who had reappeared just at the right moment. "It must be his," and he pointed at Rusty.

Rusty tried to say something but couldn't. Control had already worked it out.
"No wonder you can see the Starlight Express!" he yelled, so loudly the audience began stamping their feet again. "You are under the influence of hallucinogenic substances! You disappoint me Rusty. You really do. You have taken this Hippy thing too far. Now dispose of them immediately, paint yourself black again and get some white spirit on those walls. Horsham in Bloom honestly. You have gone too far. I shall disqualify you from the race, as of now. Now clear off. I do not want to see you until you have sorted your life out. Now go on!"

Rusty started to cry. Pearl and Electra stood there with their mouths wide open, the audience just clapped and clapped.
"Ha ha, ha ha, Rusty is a very stupid Steam Train . . . " sung Electra. Pearl increased the magnitude of her hissyfit by about 200 times.
"You get back to your stupid oils. Go find Belle, I'm sure she'd like them."
Electra stormed off in a huff. It was Rusty's turn to look surprised.
"Why did you say that to him?"
"He's been getting up my nose so badly (Pearl obviously forgot she didn't have a nose) I just had to tell him to shut up."
"But what was all that about the aromatherapy oils? Why were you so interested in that?"
"I love aromatherapy, not Electra. I like it so much, I'm going to be a qualified aromatherapist. I could get into the Guinness Book Of Records, the first coach to be a qualifed aromatherapist."
Rusty laughed. "So you don't hate me?"
"No," said Pearl. "I loved your new image, I just thought Control would kill me if I said so."
Rusty was lost for words. So he just said "Oh."

"OI! ! !" yelled someone from the orchestra pit. "What's going on here? We don't get paid to sit around all day you know!! When's the next bit of music? We're bored stupid!"
"Oh sorry. Go on then, play anything you like."
And the music started and the audience stamped their feet perfectly.

As you can guess the show ended with a brilliant version of Only You. Control had a bit of a sore throat from all that shouting, but he recovered enough to say Thank you to the audience and to offer them jobs as drum kits in future times of emergency. Belle woke up the next morning with a huge hangover, worsened by the sight of Electra complete with essential oils. She told him to go away (not as politely as that) which made her no longer Tart Of The Century. Ashley gave up smoking with the help of NRT, Buffy finished doing her hair just as the performance ended, and Greaseball and Dinah - well they moved to Amazonia and saved the whole of Acre Province from the Cattle Ranchers.

And Pearl and Rusty lived happily ever after, the hallucinogenic drugs had no long term side effects, and Control forgave Rusty. Rusty and Pearl were married along the Lewes-Uckfield line at Barcombe Mills and had their reception at the little cafe Amy and Sarah know. It was just a good job they weren't married along the Lavender Line, as that would just bring back too many memories of Electra.

Disclaimer: These characters belong to the Really Useful Company and are used without permission. However, even if Sarah doesn't own these characters, she certainly owns this story. Anyone caught copying it, whether attributed or being claimed as their own work, will be dealt with most harshly.