With the possible exception of Cats, Starlight Express is the most predictable musical I have ever seen. The first time we saw it, my mother and I worked out the entire rest of the plot during the interval. I mean, it's not difficult, is it? Not that it isn't a very fine musical, of course. But we decided that we could do better. It turns out that I wrote almost none of these, so I shall just say a big thank you to all those who did, especially Jenny, Bettina and Sarah for the long lists they sent me.

1) Just before the final race, the track is closed down because of lack of profit. They have a game of tiddlywinks to decide the winner instead. (Sarah)

2) In the final, Greaseball ditches Pearl in the middle of the race and she nearly falls to her doom in the orchestra pit. However, Rusty just fails to catch her, and she is disemboweled by a cello bow. Rusty is so overcome with remorse that he throws himself into the orchestra pit as well. Everyone else commits suicide, too. (Anna)

3) The little boy's mother comes upstairs to find out why he isn't in bed yet, treads on the trains and kills them all. (Lauren)

4) Rusty loses the race. Pearl becomes disillusioned with the male gender and runs off with Dinah. (Anna)

5) Pearl, being a fickle creature, sticks with Greaseball. Rusty becomes disillusioned with the female gender and runs off with Electra. (Anna)

6) Just before the final race, Rusty spontaneously combusts. (Susan)

7) The rail track is privatised. Pearl sticks with Connex South East, but Rusty is assigned to North West Trains, so that sort of puts an end to that. (Anna)

8) Just before the end of the show, a little kid yells, 'But who will win next year?' (Jenny)

9) (the final) 'Oh no! He's uncoupled Pearl! She's headin' for the edge! And Rusty....misses her? That was courageous!' (Jenny)

10) In the original show, when Pearl says 'You won the race?' Rusty replies 'Erm, no....but I love you anyway!'. At this point Pearl throws a wobbly, causing Rusty to go into major depression, so he throws himself onto the tracks (which he may find quite difficult). (Jenny)

11) When Pearl apologises to Rusty for being such a bitch *ahem* mean person, Rusty replies 'No! You've already dumped me 3 times before, you should have learnt by now! Why don't you just go and go buzz off (not in such a polite way) and stick your head down a toilet or something!' (Go Rusty, Go Rusty, Go Rusty!). (Jenny)

12) When Flat-top asks 'Are you all right, Rusty?' Rusty replies, 'Yes I'm fine! I never felt better! Thanks for asking!' (Jenny)

13) A giant fluffy bunny suddenly lands on the track, all the trains are in major hysteria, and havoc rocks the set. Until they realise Control dropped one of his cuddly toys on the track (Aww! Bless!). (Jenny)

14) Electra's switch gets stuck on DC, which completely confuses everyone. Causing him to run off with Rusty (Um, yes, well...). (Jenny)

15) After Race 3, Pearl realises that there's nothing equal to steam, but since Rusty seems so concerned about himself, she starts to tangle with Poppa. Consequently, Poppa doesn't feel like boosting Rusty's self-esteem in 'I Am The Starlight'. As Rusty's depression gets worse, he wants to take revenge on Greaseball and Electra for getting him in this depressing situation and causes their crash in Race 4. Control gets so annoyed with this (because he has to let them race one more time, feeling this will never cease) that he wakes up. (Bettina)

16) The gang beats Rusty to death, so that Poppa has to take his place in Race 4. Due to the missing Rusty Pearl gets killed by that legendary cello bow, and Rusty and Pearl are united in death, while everyone else is so sorry about that that they immediately stop racing to mourn them (Although some have a party because they have always wanted this show to be on a higher, i.e. Shakespearean level). (Bettina)

17) When Krupp or Purse or whoever it is is supposed to ask Pearl to race with Electra, he immediately falls in love with Rusty. So Rusty runs off with him, Pearl thinks no-one (at least no real man) wants to race with her and leaves the station in a mess. When the others including the Components hear that Electra seems to be so unattractive to coaches, they leave him all alone, without a partner to race with. Electra sings "No Comeback" and Greaseball is disqualified because after he left Dinah, he also has no coach any more. So Bobo races against himself, trips over his own feet, and the race is over. (Bettina)

18) At the beginning of "AC/DC", Electra overdoes his great electricity show, the whole electricity supply combusts, and you can't possibly race in the dark without hearing from Control what you should do and when the race starts, and without shifting those bridges and ramps etc etc. Electra can't race anyway, because he's trapped on the Main Bridge. That doesn't impress Pearl very much, so she stays with Rusty (who has taken advantage of the darkness to convince her of this even more) until the end of their days. Same with Greaseball and Dinah. The show doesn't get that different, but shorter, which the critics will like a lot, meaning that nobody wants to see the show (that's what critics are about) and it has to close down after two weeks. (Bettina)

19) Somebody kills Control during the first act because of his intelligent and helpful statements. And when Control is dead, he can't dream any more. (Bettina)

20) Being a great fan of Greaseball (see "Entry of National Trains"), Control gets so annoyed about Rusty's "Nobody can do it like a steam train" that he wakes up. (Bettina)

21) When he finds out that Greaseball will race with Pearl, Electra kidnaps her. The whole thing results in a "Phantom of the Opera"-like scenario with Rusty as the one who wants to save Pearl. Electra also makes the Main Bridge crash on the stage while Bobo is accidentally standing there. All potential finalists are gone, and the race is finished. In the meantime, Poppa whips up support to trap Electra (because of Rusty), as do Greaseball and his gang (for means of revenge). On their way to Electra's hideaway, they run into each other and argue for a very long time (probably about whether diesel is for unbelievers and nobody can do it like a steam train), forgetting Electra, Rusty and Pearl. Pearl can't decide whom to go with, so Electra gets so angry that he sets the theatre on fire, killing every "living" thing in there. (Bettina)

22) Instead of singing "Starlight Express", Rusty decides to get human rights and fairness back on the stage. He talks those who lost a race because of evil winners into supporting a demonstration, blocking the track, until Control shouts, "Engines must obey Control!!" So Poppa feels like his time has come to sing "Light At The End Of The Tunnel". (Bettina)

23) In the middle of Race 1, Electra and Pearl become overwhelmed by their feelings for each other, stop and kiss, while everyone else crashes into them. Rusty runs by, singing, "Pearl, you're hurt?!", which Pearl finds so sweet of him that she gives him a big hug. Happy ending. (Bettina)

24) C.B. is angry because they've cut him out of the show. He takes revenge blowing up the theatre, co-operating with Belle, as a sort of "Bonnie & Clyde" team. (Bettina)

25) When Greaseball says, "Or you could enter for the race instead", Control interrupts the scene telling Greaseball that "enter for" isn't at all grammatically correct. They have a long discussion on this, so that Control forgets to start the races. (Bettina)

26) C.B. is still angry and kidnaps Greaseball even before the first race. Control, still being a great Greaseball fan, decides to stop the whole thing because he doesn't care who wins if it certainly won't be Greaseball. (Bettina)

27) The whole show stays as it is normally. After "Light At The End Of The Tunnel", Rusty can't get along with being famous, while Pearl is jealous because Rusty is always surrounded by lots of female fans. Poppa puts pressure on Rusty, wanting him to start a campaign to convert all trains to steam, so that finally Rusty runs off and starts life as a friar in Tibet, leaving Pearl to Electra, who hasn't any fans any more since he lost the race, and who is very grateful that someone still cares for him. (Bettina)

28) Flat-top doesn't throw his brick in the audience but behind himself, hitting Rusty, who now goes completely crazy, breaks into Control's booth and locks him out, so that no-one's there to start the races. (Bettina)

29) Rusty, being mentally very unstable, kills Pearl when she says Electra is her dream train ("Laughing Stock"). He tries to hide the body in a tunnel, and during the final race everyone trips over her, which ends the race. (Bettina)

30) Buffy and Ashley are too concerned with their own love lives and leave Dinah alone with her problems. Of course she feels no need to race with Electra, which forces Electra to try to get Pearl back. He and Greaseball argue about who will race with her, while Control starts the race. Bobo, being a TGV and therefore the fastest engine in the world (no, it's not Rusty, I'll have to disillusion you), wins the race against Rusty. (Bettina)

31) After Race 3, the devil appears in front of Rusty and offers him a bargain, before Starlight Express can show up. He gives him supernatural powers, Rusty wins the race, Pearl is very impressed and goes to see Rusty. Unfortunately, he says to her: "Linger awhile! so fair thou art." The devil, confusing some plots, wants to take Rusty's soul with him, but the Starlight Express interferes. While both argue, Control thinks this whole thing was getting far to big for him, gets very nervous and wakes up. (Bettina)

32) Rusty discovers that Starlight Express is in fact Poppa, gets very disillusioned, sulks and doesn't want to leave the stage. As a consequence, Control decides it's too dangerous for Greaseball to race with Rusty sitting on the stage and stops the race. (Bettina)

33) Something for the German production... Slight language problems occur - Control only speaks German, the engines only whatever language spoken in their countries, and all those "neutral" persons like Rusty, Electra, Poppa are Americans as well, as you can read from their costumes. The whole show turns into a mess as soon as Control has something to say that might concern the trains - that is, when he tells them that there is supposed to be a race going on soon. The trains decide not to care about that stupid guy talking all the time and have a great party, with Dinah and Buffy providing some food and drink for everyone. All trains? No, there's still Ruhrgold skating around the track all evening, obeying Control (as all useful trains should) and winning the race... pity nobody cares about that. (Bettina)

34) In Race 2, Ruhrgold crashes. Within five minutes, the stage is overcrowded with journalists who want to report on that. All trains flee. (Bettina)

35) The Prince of Wales arrives shortly before Race 3, claims a place in the final (Poppa has taken his place in Race 2, won a place in the final, Poppa can't take it...) and wins in the end. (Bettina)

36) Control sees that the mess in Race 3 is Greaseball's fault and suspends him and Pearl (well, that's what Greaseball tells her afterwards in the normal show). Rusty feels so much sympathy for her that he beats up Greaseball for getting her in this awful situation. But Pearl has just decided she didn't like tough guys like Rusty and runs off with Dustin. However, Dinah is very impressed... (Bettina)

37) Flat-top awakes Pearl's mothering instinct, she wants to make a normal person out of him who can talk and think and all those things. So she's quite out of the whole story. Rusty feels no use in racing when Pearl doesn't care about it when he wins. (Bettina)

38) At the end of the last race Rusty 'must find Pearl'. However he cannot, and discovers that, although he though he saved her, he in fact did not. She fell off the racetrack (that was suspended in the air like those ones in Japan) and died of severe internal injuries. (Sarah)

39) Pearl was deeply distressed by being uncoupled in the last race. Dinah, being a good friend and everything, offered her some 'herbal tea' - which contained a severely dodgy ingredient, causing Pearl to run off with Poppa. (Sarah)

40) Greaseball never apologised to Dinah, so she was most upset and gave Rusty a magic potion (another of her dodgy substances) which made him fall in love with her and not Pearl. Pearl was most upset and ran off with Volta. (Sarah)

41) Rusty decides Pearl will never love him, gives up on the idea of a girlfriend immediately, and becomes obsessed with the History of Steam Railways. Pearl then realises she loves Rusty, and is so distraught that he is no longer interested she throws herself of Flamborough Head. (Sarah)

42) Along comes Dr Beeching and insists the line has to close. The entire cast are so distraught that they immediately form a campaign to reopen it, leaving them no time for anything else. (Sarah)

43) Has anyone ever wondered why diesel, electricity and steam trains can all run on the same line? Or have I missed something? Anyway, due to increased passenger usage (and an Electra fan for a railway manager) it is decided that the line will be electrified - kind of putting a stop to everything after that. (Sarah)

44) Just as the final race is about to begin, a large earthquake hits the area causing the railway to topple on its side. It is closed for repair work and the trains have to help in the rescue efforts. (Sarah)

45) In the middle of the performance, a Category 5 Hurricane hits the area and the roof is blown off the theatre. The heavy rains and cold winds led to the entire cast being rushed to hospital with hypothermia. (Sarah)

46) After the song 'Starlight Express', the Adrian Hansel Fan Club cheered and clapped so loudly the roof was once again lifted off the theatre. Unfortunately it landed on the platforms of the nearby Victoria Station, causing huge delays to all services. This led to the kind hearted trains volunteering to do proper train things for once, and take the stranded passengers home. (Sarah)

47) At the end of 'One Rock'n'Roll Too Many', Greaseball and Electra never unstick. But the time the ambulance crew managed to unstick them, the audience had got bored and gone home, so there was little point in carrying on. (Sarah)

48) After 'Make Up My Heart' the Adrian Hansel Fan Club cannot resist the urge to go and slap Pearl and tell her how stupid she is being. However, they are a little over violent, and Pearl is so distressed she can take no further part in the performance. (Sarah)

49) The recent trend of cast members becoming pop stars (Natalie Powers in Scooch, and Lolly) is increased. The entire audience of one night's performance is made up of talent scouts from record companies, who wish to recruit new stars immediately. So the entire cast leave, and the show is stopped. (Sarah)

50) During the last race, Control's dream gets warped, and every character turns into its name. As expected, Greaseball turns into a grease ball, causing the track to become very slippery. Everyone crashes, and Control looks for someone to blame. Considering 'everyone else' consists of a pearl, a purse, a joule (that one's invisible) and three American mountains, this proves very difficult and Control gives up. (Sarah)

51) In another freak weather system (it's global warming), a huge snowstorm hits the theatre. However, it is the 'wrong kind of snow', and causes such long delays in the arrival of the trains that the audience get bored and go home. (Sarah)

52) During 'Make Up My Heart', Lolly, who's time travelled back a few years, bursts in yelling 'Rockin' Robin! Tweeeeeeeeeeet!'. The audience are so impressed, they demand she stays, and the rest of the performance becomes a Lolly Concert. (Sarah)

53) During 'I Am The Starlight', when the stars appear, they immediately fall from the sky. The cast and audience alike are so fascinated by this process, that the show is called to an end, and Rusty (you never knew he was an astrophysicist) began to study their complex chemical reactions, leaving Pearl with Greaseball. (Sarah)

54) During a race, everyone's rollerskates unstick at once (dodgy batch of Araldite). Some cast members fell in the orchestra pit, others into the audience, and Adrian Hansel just landed in the laps of his fan club (much to their disappointment, obviously). Anyway, as the resticking of the rollerskates commenced, no one noticed that the AHFC kidnapped Adykins, due to the need of a further interview for the website. (Sarah)

55) Due to a massive rise in customer complaints, all trains were to be replaced by new models, by the order of BR. So that put an end to that, and before the production even started. (Sarah)

56) During the interval, the police turned up to investigate a noise complaint (it was the AHFC screaming again). Anyway, whilst there they discoved Dinah's dodgy substance store, she was arrested, and that was the end of that. (Sarah)

57) Just before the last race, Rusty realised his train MOT was due. He failed it, as he was too Rusty. So that was that, really. (Sarah)

58) Rusty falls over just before the finish line, so Greaseball (realising that he can't win as it would muck the whole thing up), dives into the orchestra pit, Electra follows Greaseball's example and dives in dragging Buffy with him, and Pearl (who by this time is completely overwhelmed by Greaseball) does a spectacular swan dive into the bass drum. Rusty now realises that his one love has disappeared over the edge of the stage, hobbles up to the edge, realises that the one metre drop is too much for him and faints. Espresso feeling that he can still make it up with Buffy does a triple backflip into the pit, and lands rather painfully on the end of a cello bow which then snaps under the weight. Rurgold, Nintendo and Turnov secretly are all deeply in love with Espresso, they leap on top of Espresso crushing Buffy and forming a wriggling mass. Bobo decides to follow suit and takes Ashley with him. Flat-top comes on stage, dragging Rocky I, II and III with him he throws the brick at the audience not realising that someone has changed his ordinary polystyrene one with a two ton brick, the force carries him and the Rockies off the edge. The Prince of Wales, Wrench, Krupp, Purse and Volta are all staring over the edge at the mess when Dustin comes on at 30 miles an hour he hears his friends, charges at the pit and knocks everyone who is looking flying. Poppa comes on tellin everyone that everything's going to be okaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy. Joule has just sent him flying over the edge, Joule at this point being played by Jessica (Cooper) tries to sing the Starlight Megamix by herself but gets knocked unconscious by a giant flying melon that has just been thrown by the Starlight Express which has appeared in the form of a creature which is all white and shiny with three blue legs, silver wings, long yellow hair and glittery ballet shoes. It suddenly disappears with a loud crackling laugh!! (Helen)

59) When Rusty enters in the middle of 'Next Time You Fall In Love' Pearl says, 'Go away, Rusty, I wasn't talking about you.' (Well, she never actually says, does she?) (Anna)

60) "Rusty needs me, which way should I go? Thank Electra - say the answer's no." (Anna)