Being a full translation of the lyrics of Starlight Express for the impatient or bored. The sense of humour imparted is totally my own and no responsibility is taken for breaches of good taste, or for wasted time if you don't think it's funny.

Control:	Control! This is control! Tonight is the most important night in the history of the world!
	Take your seats for the world championship railroad race! Trains to your tracks...
	Enter International Trains
	These are the international trains.
	You can't tell them apart but that doesn't matter because they're all the same anyway.
	Enter Greaseball
Greaseball:	I'm the diesel train. I'm great, I am. I won last year, y'know.
	Enter Rusty
Rusty:	Actually, I think I'm going to win.
Everyone else:	You? You're crap rubbish!
Control:	Rusty, go and get the coaches.
	Rusty leaves and returns with Pearl, Dinah, Buffy, Ashley
	All entries for heat one, report to...somewhere else.
	Exit all trains
Dinah:	Pearl, why do you race with Rusty? You could do a lot better than that.
Pearl:	He's kinda sweet. But you're right, I could have any train I wanted.
	Now there's an idea...
	Enter the freight trucks
Trucks:	Freight is great
Coaches:	No it isn't.
Trucks:	Freight is great
Coaches:	I think you'll find it's not, actually.
Trucks:	Freight is great
Coaches:	Look, we don't think so, okay? Get on with it.
Freight:	Okay then. We're the freight trucks.
	It doesn't matter if you can't tell us apart because we're all the same too.
	Enter Electra
Control:	Oh wow! A late entry!
Electra:	I'm an electric train. I'm really swish.
	That observation car's a bit of all right...
	Enter Greaseball
Greaseball:	I'm the bestest, and don't you forget it.
	Enter Rusty
Rusty:	I'm the bestest.
Electra:	No, I'm the bestest.
	Exit everyone except Rusty and Coaches
Coaches:	You're crazy Rusty, you won't win.
Rusty:	Won't you race with me, Pearl?
Pearl:	Okay. Maybe. Unless I get a better offer.
Purse:	Pearl, Electra wants you to race with him.
Pearl:	Well, I did kinda say that I'd race with Rusty...
Rusty:	Too right!
Pearl:	...but I'll have to think about it. Give me a second.
	Exit Purse
Rusty:	No fair! You said you'd race with me!
Pearl:	I did say unless I got a better offer!
	Rusty leaves in a huff
Pearl:	Oh, it's so difficult to choose.
	Rusty isn't very fast but he is kind, sweet, unselfish, and I really enjoy his company.
	Whereas Electra is selfish, arrogant and cold, but he can't half move.
	It's a really tough one.
	Enter Electra at front of stage, and Rusty (unseen) at back
	Pearl exits with Electra
Rusty:	My heart is broken!
Control:	Heat one! Heat one!
	Trains gone! And coming up to the first corner it's...with...in second place...yes, and I can see that...and they're coming up to the...oooh, nasty...and...as we're coming up to...it looks like...and yes! Greaseball has won, and Electra is second! How surprising, they've both got places in the final!
	The Freight Yard
Poppa:	Rusty, you're looking a little depressed. Is something wrong?
Rusty:	Well, I've got no chance in the race, Pearl's dumped me and everyone hates me, so I am feeling a bit down, yes.
Poppa:	Hmmm...have you heard of the Starlight Express?
Rusty:	Isn't that a piece of music by Elgar?
Poppa:	No! Well, yes, but it is also the name of a strange and mysterious force that will help you win the race in an unspecified, but also strange and mysterious, way.
Rusty:	How very strange and mysterious...
Poppa:	Well, if you're not going to enter the race then I will.
	Heat two: Poppa wins, the French train with the silly name comes second
Poppa:	Oh cough, oh splutter. I cannot carry on. Rusty, you must take my place!
Rusty:	No! Not without Pearl! (this is an actual line from the actual musical, dontcherknow)
	Enter everyone else
Pearl:	Electra's so great, I think he's my dream train....
Rusty:	I'll enter the race!
	Exit everybody except Rusty
Rusty:	Starlight Express...
	Catchy name...doesn't rhyme with much though...can you help me? I really want to get off with Pearl win the race...

Rusty:	I'm the bestest.
Electra:	No, I'm the bestest.
Greaseball:	Excuse me, I'm the bestest. (etc, ad nauseum)
Rusty:	Well, at least you'll never get Pearl.
Greaseball:	Not true. I could race with her if I wanted to. Right, Pearl?
Pearl:	Too right! Let's go!
Dinah:	That's really unfair. He's mine!
Pearl:	Oh, stop going on about it. All's fair in love and war, y'know.
Control:	And now for the final! Everybody ready? Then let's go!
	Race. Greaseball trips up Rusty, pile-up
Greaseball:	Yup, that was all Rusty's fault. Nothing to do with me.
Gang:	All Rusty's fault, oh absolutely.
Marshalls:	Okay then. We were looking the other way so we'll have to take your word for it. Bye.
Rusty:	Hey! That was really mean! That wasn't my fault!
Greaseball:	Oh yes it was, and if you know what's good for you you won't go in for the final again.
	Greaseball leaves
Rusty:	Oh yes I will!
Gang:	Oh no you won't!
Rusty:	Oh yes I - ow!
	The gang beat up Rusty. Greaseball reenters with Pearl
Pearl:	You bastards mean people! I'm going to tell the marshall!
Greaseball:	Oh yeah? And we'll just say this is your fault. And we're bigger than you.
Pearl:	Bugger. Looks like my plans are scuppered. Oh well, sorry Rusty, that's the way it goes sometimes.
	She, Greaseball and the gang leave
	Enter the Rockies
Rockies:	Hey! It's the champion!
Rusty:	Go away. I'm depressed.
Rocky I:	Forget it, Rusty. You can't win by playing by the rules. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, but it's too late for that so basically you're stuffed.
	They leave
Rusty:	They're right. I can never win and everybody hates me. If only the Starlight Express (whatever it is) would help me.
Starlight:	Rusty! Believe in yourself and you can win!
Rusty:	Yerwhat?
Starlight:	Believe in yourself! You are the Starlight, you can achieve anything!
Rusty:	By jiminy, so I can! I am the Starlight! Wow!
	I'm gonna enter for the race!
	Note: why do trains (and coaches) have such bad grammar?
	The last race
Control:	Control. Control. The final (again)! And here we go! And they're off....and it looks like....Greaseball's getting a bit pissed off cross, looks like Pearl's holding him back....yes, he's uncoupled her! She's going to fall to her doom! But - Rusty's saved her! How amazing unpredictable!
	Pearl flees. Electra and Greaseball crash and Rusty wins the race
Electra:	I really hate crashing.
Greaseball:	Me too.
Poppa:	Where did Rusty go?
Dustin:	Erm, to look for Pearl.
Poppa:	So where's Pearl?
Greaseball:	Don't ask me, like.
Poppa:	Ah well, the set isn't exactly large, they must be around here somewhere.
	They all leave to look for Rusty and Pearl
Pearl:	Oh, sigh. He's so lovely....why didn't I realise it before? Could it be because I'm a stereotypically dumb female character, with too much heart and too little brains? Ah well, two hours isn't so bad, they'd want their money back if it didn't take this long. Oh, Rusty!
Rusty:	Oh, Pearl!
	The rest of this scene is censored
Poppa:	Oh hurray. Everybody's happy. The end.